What Does A Woman Have To Do To Get Laid In This Town? — Leave Town?

“Young dumb and trying to get some.”

That is what the stupid boy who was too old for me to date back when I was a wee lass used to say.  He said other brilliant things too like “if I bite you it will hurt.”  Needless to say, dating that older guy made me into something of a whore.

But how is it possible that I am this frigid?  What does a woman have to do to get laid in this town?

Advert on eros guide?  Check

Get drunk and hit on professor in your department?  Check

Get drunk, dance with top off in gay bar?  Check

Still nothing.  It’s like people have stopped having sex.

It is also like people are afraid to have sex.  Are we really all that puritanical?  Is sex something of days gone by?  Has the internet really taken the physical intimacy out of sex?  I’m down with cyber sex, don’t get me wrong but I need to be touched.  I need to be made love to.  I need to have hot sex in a dirty bathroom, with a stranger or someone who is equally taboo and off limits.

Now granted I would like to be paid for my good times but seriously I would like to believe that getting naked in public could generate something. I’m really hot lately.   And what of hitting on a middle aged professor?  It is possible that I have no dignity left.  This is true.  I hit on a professor in my department.  Oy!  But I am so horny that I am going to start humping someone’s leg soon.

Last night the phone rang.  It was some dude with an area code that led me to believe he was from Chicago.  He said all the right things, got me all turned on, dressed up, in the car with a bag of toys and then as I was backing out of the driveway he said he fell asleep, was too tired, had to cancel.

I had been in bed, well in blanket on floor, before he called.  I was in fact asleep.  After he called I was horny and bound for his place expecting there to be a sexy time.  But alas, I sat there in my car, in my driveway, dressed up in an outfit that cost more than my rent.   No place to go.  I thought I could sit there smoking a joint and reading a book but I couldn’t find a lighter and the light in my car does not work.  I called everyone I thought might be up but then I came back into the postage stamp of an apartment.  I settled back down into my leg warmers next to my cat on the pile of blankets I am using as a bed.

This is pathetic.  I’m horny, I’m hot, I’m totally undersexed.

Lame lame lame.

I don’t even know how to properly express this sadness save to drown my sorrows in blogging.  Drinking seems to get me tossed out of gay bars and into slippery situations with important people in my conservative world.  I should avoid drinking in public in the future.  I guess I’ll go eat worms.

7 thoughts on “What Does A Woman Have To Do To Get Laid In This Town? — Leave Town?

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  1. Come to the N.O. anytime Widow you and your beauty with those boots we can do the dammmmmmmmmmmthangggg,,to be with you always a dream come true!!!

  2. Well let’s see, you shit all over this city, complained that all the people are nothing but dumb, ignorant racist who give you odd looks when they see you’re reading Foucault, and you’ve made it clear that only black guys can fuck you the way you want. So who, in this city, would want to fuck you? I know, if we weren’t so racist there would be more black guys here to pick from, but still they’re out there.

    You’re white, they’re black. It doesn’t matter how hot you are or how fat you are. You’re white, they’ll fuck you. Go down to Southeast S.D., like Imperial Ave or Lemon Grove. Walk into a bar and within one beer you’ll have all the black guys in the bar hitting on you. You could even probably get a gang bang going if you play your cards right.

    Hell, if that doesn’t work go onto Craigslist and peruse all the cock shots under ‘men seeking women’, there HAS to be a few black ones there.

    There is no reason that a woman with a pulse can’t get laid.

    1. wow, thanks for the sympathy. To be clear I do not shit all over — I piss. And it’s not just not just black guys who do it for me, its also hot gender benders!

      I hope you get laid soon, you seem wicked uptight.

      1. Sympathy?! First, I give you good advice on where to go to get laid, then I remind you of the obvious (C’sL) and I’m being ‘wicked uptight’? Must be all that trite post-modernism you read.

        [Shaking my fist in the air]


        Fine, in the interest of good faith I’ll send a message to a transvestite I know (some people are just never satisfied).

        Lastly, thanks, I hope I get laid soon too. Goodness knows that if there’s anyone in this city that needs to get laid more than you, I’m certainly a contender.

  3. I’ve noticed how fucking puritan people are nowadays; I have my own theories, and I’m not even a sociologist.

    As the wise H.L. Mencken said: “Show me a puritan, and I’ll show you a son-of-a-bitch.”

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