Sexual Anomie

The forced heteronormative expectations that we see in society foments in sexual culture, or rather in the void that represents sexual culture to us in the states.  We have a culture of silence, a culture that suggests that any sex is dangerous sex.  This anti-sex doctrine is being beaten into our youth through abstinence education programs.  I realize that these programs are proven to fail miserably simply in terms of numbers; but I have to wonder about what is happening to the available sexual outlets of individuals in this nation because of the anti-sex ideology that is being passed off as education.

I am a super sexual woman.  I love sex in every way shape and form, I would be a porn star, prostitute, sex working, whore, immerse myself in the industry of vice, if it were a tad more socially acceptable.  It is however not socially acceptable, in fact it is a fast tract to the slammer.

In the shadow of expectations I have found myself having fewer and fewer sexual outlets.  I have been practicing a lot of yoga, am very much in my body, I feel sexy as hell and yet I am not having a bit of sex.  I have a non-existent sex life.

This could be due to a career as a graduate student.  I think too much and I forgot to wash my hair, again.  This might not be the most appealing to the vast majority of potential sex partners, or maybe it is simply that I am not attracted to mindless nitwits, of which this town has plenty.

Last night I sat panting in the locker room after yoga thinking about the way I feel.  I’m frustrated, horny, lonely, afraid to be touched, bitter, and more interested in reading about sex than actually having it.  I no longer want to get dressed up to simply go out.  I don’t have the energy for more of the same disappointing sex parties. Sexy as hell but with few acceptable outlets to display my sex appeal in, I’m suffering from sexual anomie.

I have felt more and more stifled into doing what is expected of me, distancing myself from the sex industry because I am a serious academic now.  I don’t think anything could be less helpful. I’m working hard to establish myself in a field that has the power to change ideology and policy, why would I want to distance myself from the group of disenfranchised people from which I come?

Seems to me that sex workers, kinky folks, gender benders, and misfits of all types could use my help.  I have a strong voice and the inclination to change things for the better.  Why am I trying to sneak my way in and out of smut and education?  I do so love them both.

The answer to this long wielding question of self doubt and sociological confusion is of course that the ideology, the beliefs, the attitudes about sex, sex work, BDSM, porn, gender, sex and gender presentation – the dichotomous values, beliefs and behaviors have to shift.  There is no way for us to attain sexual liberation until we change the way we view sex and gender in this culture.

We are only human, we have the right and the need to get laid. The puritanical beliefs that form public policy and mainstream attitudes have taken an approach that limits our rights to have the knowledge that could save lives, prevent unwanted lives, increase pleasure and tolerance. Why are the rest of us sitting in fear of a moral majority?  Policies that prevent people from having knowledge, policies that foster bigoted beliefs, policies that engender discriminatory practice and violence cannot be tolerated. We have rights to information about sexual practices, it is time we assert these rights and stop letting conservative politicians take them from us.

The only way I can fathom to start on a path of sexual equilibrium is to speak on the topic of sexual enjoyment.  To embrace our inner perverts, to have sex, to not be shameful about it, to answer questions truthfully, to read about sex and gender issues, to stop hiding in a sexual closet.  Come out.  Be proud to be a sexual human being. Have some fucking sex.  Perpetuating a culture of silence only engenders more fear and stigmatization.

This problem of sexual anomie, the idea of being alienated from your sexual self, is perpetuated by silence, fear mongering, and the criminalization of sex.  How can people be expected to have thriving fully adult sexual experiences when we can’t even talk about sex?  The idea that we are supposed to know what to do, how to do it, and that these “normal” heterosexual vanilla pleasures are supposed to fulfill us is insulting to my intelligence.  Why is it expected that everyone is supposed to have a natural disposition for homogeneity?

People have lost their jobs, lost custody of their children, lost everything –sometimes even their lives because they were labeled sexually deviant.  Sex is a normal and indeed necessary experience of human existence. We all need to get laid, so why do we continue to perpetuate a culture of sexual contempt?

These questions have been plaguing me all morning, all night, for years really.

The nature of puritanical beliefs and policies is to silence the sexual discourse before it even begins.  The Christian right screams that sex education will encourage kids to have sex.  This has been proven to be a fallacy but I say so what.  Who cares if sex education encourages people to have sex?  Are we supposed to encourage people to not have sex? A culture that encourages it’s citizens to have little to no conversation pertaining to sexual activity, safety, health, pleasure, or the ramification thereof — this seems perverse to me.

Why is it the ideology of ant-sex crusaders not seen as perverse?  Is it not obvious to all adults that sexuality is a natural part of human life?  What if we banned dialogue on other aspects of health, like eating too much, having heart attacks, cholesterol build up?  These are not seen as taboo.  If sexuality is going to be treated like the plague, I want out of here and fast.

Sexual happiness should be thought of as paramount to being a healthy and happy individual.  We all need lovin’ – so why all the silence and fear?  What do the right wing anti-sex ideologists not want us to do?  Do they think we will all quit our shitty jobs and stay home having sex all day, using birth control so as not to breed unwanted offspring that use up more of our non-existent resources and therefore force us all to get up and go to the same shitty jobs?  Maybe.

Likely it is just about power and control.  Ever heard the saying “I’ve got him by the balls?” Well the big power and policy makers sure have.  They seem to have taken it for all it’s worth.  As a nation we are terrified of sex.  Anything that reflects sex as something other than heteronormative, pro-creation, monogamous, vanilla sex is seen as evil and certain to corrupt the children. Sex really isn’t all that spooky.  People have been doing it since people showed up on this rock.  Sex, we need it to continue the human race – sure but that does not seem to be in any danger.  People will keep poppin’ em’ out long after we admit that sex feels good.

Silence and pressure to conform to standards of sexuality is stifling to every one of us.  If you are not having a mind blowing sex life you should be angry.  Angry at a system designed to limit your sexual choices and freedoms.  Angry at a discourse that has been shooshed.  Angry at the moral majority for forcing their views and beliefs down the political throat that coughs up that discourse and controls what we do in our bedrooms, and indeed what we think about what we do in our bedrooms.

It is time that our culture take back it’s sexuality.  We need to come into our own as a sex-positive society.  We can not keep preaching abstinence in school, fear mongering, scaring people into passive heteronorms – it will not work, it will perpetuate a lot of closet case mentalities, it will make people see themselves as deranged perverts instead of simply able to enjoy more variety in their lives.  Sexual anomie is a seriously disturbing force in this culture.  It is making us all frigid, afraid, and stone.

10 thoughts on “Sexual Anomie

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  1. Well, I’ve never been to the US so my opinion can be based on the wrong “imports” from American culture.

    I agree with you, feeling good with one’s sexual life is also a part of happiness and noone should criticise the other if he does it more often or less.

    And sexual education doesn’t makes people want to have sex! Hormones do. So, better inform the teenagers (about the changes in their bodies, anti-conceptiv methods, truth and not myths…), then letting them find out alone, the wrong way in many times..

  2. huh, my girl and i just got from hanging out with a whole lot of smart, sexy perverts in san diego who weren’t there to see a football game. we had a great time, some fun play and smart conversation. and some good food too!

    there are a whole bunch of pervs in your town, and i’ve met a bunch of smart and really cool ones. you addressed a whole range of other issues in your post too which is very astute and well put, but again you are so down on your community. i am confident that you can find yourself some play if you want it.

  3. You are a severe case of mental disturbia whose prostitution has taken you to the desperate depths of this earth. You think yourself an intellectual? of what decree? Sexuality? please! The children you sacrifice for your simple pleasures took you to a life of pathetic lies scrambling to make your next meal. You don’t know pleasure and you apparently can’t find love. Your getting old and everyone can see it. One day your Karma train will hit you and you will have to lay in the bed you never learned to make.

    1. shannon,

      I’m glad you are reading my blog. I write it for you, ya know. I’m not sure you know that disturbia is not a word. Get a dictionary and your own email address from which to post your venom.

      I look forward to seeing your future comments. I live to infuriate evangelical bible thumpers. Keep reading, I’ll write something juicy for you right now!

      1. I’m not the op, but I think it’s unfair that you automatically assumed that she’s Christian just because of her comment. Not all bible-readers are so closed-minded about sexuality and there’s people from all religions, even atheists, who are more uptight about it.

        Anyway, I was originally going to comment to say that I agree with you mostly, but I think ranting isn’t enough. You said kinky folks, etc, could use your help and that we as a society are conforming, but…. I don’t see you walking the walk either.

      2. @ Bee

        Interesting Comment. I know the person. She is Christian. She is Crazy. She needs to shut the fuck up and mind her own business. Yep, she is a christian bitch.

        I’m working towards a PhD in Sociology with a focus on sex and gender. My whole life is geared towards making the world more progressive for LGBTQQIIK & GQ people. I give lectures, write academic and non academic papers on sex and gender politics, and fight for human rights daily. Exactly what would I need to do in your eyes to “walk the walk?”

  4. Call it the Fate of the Optimist trapped under the guise of the Cynic. The Puritanical founders of this country instilled within our culture a deep fear of sex and sexuality, and we’re fighting against that to this day. To be an agent of change in how the mob thinks is a hard road to take. Perhaps it’s that challenge that has you down, the focus on the career and not one’s personal life leaves ones personal desires unmet. It’s not a lack of ability to fulfill them, but a lack of concentration on taking the time to fulfill them right.
    It would be easy to tempt, and use some PB knuckle head for the evening, but would that really be any more satisfying than grabbing a handful of candy instead of taking the time to sit down to a gourmet meal?
    So let us all remember Work hard sure, but take the time to smell the roses, or at least roll around in them.

  5. I’m amazed that you could be a sexual anomonie. The 2 times that I saw you in person I was literally paralized with awe and staggering lust. Oh well, stranger things have happened.

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