The forced heteronormative expectations that we see in society foments in sexual culture, or rather in the void that represents sexual culture to us in the states. We have a culture of silence, a culture that suggests that any sex is dangerous sex. This anti-sex doctrine is being beaten into our youth through abstinence education programs. I realize that these programs are proven to fail miserably simply in terms of numbers; but I have to wonder about what is happening to the available sexual outlets of individuals in this nation because of the anti-sex ideology that is being passed off as education.
I am a super sexual woman. I love sex in every way shape and form, I would be a porn star, prostitute, sex working, whore, immerse myself in the industry of vice, if it were a tad more socially acceptable. It is however not socially acceptable, in fact it is a fast tract to the slammer.
In the shadow of expectations I have found myself having fewer and fewer sexual outlets. I have been practicing a lot of yoga, am very much in my body, I feel sexy as hell and yet I am not having a bit of sex. I have a non-existent sex life.
This could be due to a career as a graduate student. I think too much and I forgot to wash my hair, again. This might not be the most appealing to the vast majority of potential sex partners, or maybe it is simply that I am not attracted to mindless nitwits, of which this town has plenty.
Last night I sat panting in the locker room after yoga thinking about the way I feel. I’m frustrated, horny, lonely, afraid to be touched, bitter, and more interested in reading about sex than actually having it. I no longer want to get dressed up to simply go out. I don’t have the energy for more of the same disappointing sex parties. Sexy as hell but with few acceptable outlets to display my sex appeal in, I’m suffering from sexual anomie.
I have felt more and more stifled into doing what is expected of me, distancing myself from the sex industry because I am a serious academic now. I don’t think anything could be less helpful. I’m working hard to establish myself in a field that has the power to change ideology and policy, why would I want to distance myself from the group of disenfranchised people from which I come?
Seems to me that sex workers, kinky folks, gender benders, and misfits of all types could use my help. I have a strong voice and the inclination to change things for the better. Why am I trying to sneak my way in and out of smut and education? I do so love them both.
The answer to this long wielding question of self doubt and sociological confusion is of course that the ideology, the beliefs, the attitudes about sex, sex work, BDSM, porn, gender, sex and gender presentation – the dichotomous values, beliefs and behaviors have to shift. There is no way for us to attain sexual liberation until we change the way we view sex and gender in this culture.
We are only human, we have the right and the need to get laid. The puritanical beliefs that form public policy and mainstream attitudes have taken an approach that limits our rights to have the knowledge that could save lives, prevent unwanted lives, increase pleasure and tolerance. Why are the rest of us sitting in fear of a moral majority? Policies that prevent people from having knowledge, policies that foster bigoted beliefs, policies that engender discriminatory practice and violence cannot be tolerated. We have rights to information about sexual practices, it is time we assert these rights and stop letting conservative politicians take them from us.
The only way I can fathom to start on a path of sexual equilibrium is to speak on the topic of sexual enjoyment. To embrace our inner perverts, to have sex, to not be shameful about it, to answer questions truthfully, to read about sex and gender issues, to stop hiding in a sexual closet. Come out. Be proud to be a sexual human being. Have some fucking sex. Perpetuating a culture of silence only engenders more fear and stigmatization.
This problem of sexual anomie, the idea of being alienated from your sexual self, is perpetuated by silence, fear mongering, and the criminalization of sex. How can people be expected to have thriving fully adult sexual experiences when we can’t even talk about sex? The idea that we are supposed to know what to do, how to do it, and that these “normal” heterosexual vanilla pleasures are supposed to fulfill us is insulting to my intelligence. Why is it expected that everyone is supposed to have a natural disposition for homogeneity?
People have lost their jobs, lost custody of their children, lost everything –sometimes even their lives because they were labeled sexually deviant. Sex is a normal and indeed necessary experience of human existence. We all need to get laid, so why do we continue to perpetuate a culture of sexual contempt?
These questions have been plaguing me all morning, all night, for years really.
The nature of puritanical beliefs and policies is to silence the sexual discourse before it even begins. The Christian right screams that sex education will encourage kids to have sex. This has been proven to be a fallacy but I say so what. Who cares if sex education encourages people to have sex? Are we supposed to encourage people to not have sex? A culture that encourages it’s citizens to have little to no conversation pertaining to sexual activity, safety, health, pleasure, or the ramification thereof — this seems perverse to me.
Why is it the ideology of ant-sex crusaders not seen as perverse? Is it not obvious to all adults that sexuality is a natural part of human life? What if we banned dialogue on other aspects of health, like eating too much, having heart attacks, cholesterol build up? These are not seen as taboo. If sexuality is going to be treated like the plague, I want out of here and fast.
Sexual happiness should be thought of as paramount to being a healthy and happy individual. We all need lovin’ – so why all the silence and fear? What do the right wing anti-sex ideologists not want us to do? Do they think we will all quit our shitty jobs and stay home having sex all day, using birth control so as not to breed unwanted offspring that use up more of our non-existent resources and therefore force us all to get up and go to the same shitty jobs? Maybe.
Likely it is just about power and control. Ever heard the saying “I’ve got him by the balls?” Well the big power and policy makers sure have. They seem to have taken it for all it’s worth. As a nation we are terrified of sex. Anything that reflects sex as something other than heteronormative, pro-creation, monogamous, vanilla sex is seen as evil and certain to corrupt the children. Sex really isn’t all that spooky. People have been doing it since people showed up on this rock. Sex, we need it to continue the human race – sure but that does not seem to be in any danger. People will keep poppin’ em’ out long after we admit that sex feels good.
Silence and pressure to conform to standards of sexuality is stifling to every one of us. If you are not having a mind blowing sex life you should be angry. Angry at a system designed to limit your sexual choices and freedoms. Angry at a discourse that has been shooshed. Angry at the moral majority for forcing their views and beliefs down the political throat that coughs up that discourse and controls what we do in our bedrooms, and indeed what we think about what we do in our bedrooms.
It is time that our culture take back it’s sexuality. We need to come into our own as a sex-positive society. We can not keep preaching abstinence in school, fear mongering, scaring people into passive heteronorms – it will not work, it will perpetuate a lot of closet case mentalities, it will make people see themselves as deranged perverts instead of simply able to enjoy more variety in their lives. Sexual anomie is a seriously disturbing force in this culture. It is making us all frigid, afraid, and stone.