All or Nothing

I’m having an existential crisis. I’m done with school. I have not worked regularly in a rather long time. Writing a thesis 100 hours a week for months on end sapped my funds. I’m cash poor and feeling reckless. I have no idea what the next chapter of my life is going to be about.

My heart is crying out for something to inspire me. I just put every bit of energy into writing my thesis on gender variant neologisms. I need to make money, to have fun, to get some rest, to make a plan, to not let my hard work go to waste …

The list goes on an on.

I’m in a strange place emotionally right now. I don’t know if I am going to put more energy into touring and playing and shooting and being the fun person that I have always been and projected myself as, or if I am going to whole up and write. Just write. That is all I want to do.

But I am horny. I’m horny and I want to play with strangers. For fun and profit. I want to do dirty things with strangers in public for money. It burns inside of my core. I have stopped denying that it exists but I have not stopped trying to quash it.

While I was in the thesis writing phase someone called me on niteflirt. This person only called a few times but tried to convince me to meet and play for free. When I looked a little deeper at the situation I realized that I’m not looking for anything like a traditional relationship. That this person was trying to woo a sex worker and had failed to research me, likely they looked at my photos and thought that I looked like I wanted a man. This person had done this before with other professional dominatrices. The more I looked at the elements of the conversation the more I realized that my identity as a sex worker is tipped heavily towards the worker element. Sex work is my job. It is also how I like to have sex.

I identify as a sex worker.

And also as a writer.

Though I have had some of the most amazing sexual experiences I am not always sexually active. I had sex this week, penetrative, vaginal sex. The last time I had sex in that context it was 2011.

I need a sex partner so very badly. Someone who is as excited about my kinks as I am. Someone hot and adventurous. Someone not burdened by what the neighbors will think. Someone who really likes to pay for the sexy time I can manifest. Every time I have sought out what I need it has ended in a strange and rapid way.

So I just keep groping for passion in the night. Strangers make the best lovers. Hot, nasty, filthy, public, sex with strangers. I need this in my life. I am tired of trying to stop the urge — just writing while my libido burns me alive.

And I find myself at this crossroad. I keep wondering how I can have it all. Struggling to have it all leaves me on occasion with nothing.


I will be at the Cadillac Lounge Thursday – Sunday 11 April – 14 April. And likely again 18 April – 21 April. Come and Play!

2 thoughts on “All or Nothing

Add yours

  1. Did offer to have public GS with you on your last two trips to SD – no response.
    Don’t know how you are going to make money that way.

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