Save My Fat Ass

Most of July I spent inside, suffering from the first real migraine I have had in over a year. It was brought on by stress. I fell down. I was sick. I could not cope with the smells and sounds and lights. July was a miserable month for me. Consequently I worked three days. I have no idea how I managed to not run out of food. I found myself eating a lot of popcorn.

Last week I figured I should really go to work, pay the rent. I summoned up the strength to get out of bed. It took me a week to get ready to go to a strip club. I shaved on day one. On day two I did my nails. On day three I packed my gear. On day four I stretched. On day five I gave myself an enema. On day six I shaved again. On day seven I went to work.

Money was decent. Not what I needed or wanted. Not the spare change it could have been. When I got home I felt like a truck had hit me. Everything came smashing back in my face. The headache was not a horrific migraine but it was a nagging constant pain that consumed my whole body. I slept for huge stretches. My sleep cycle got more dicked up than ever before. I was sleeping from 2PM till midnight. Try as I might I was stuck in a loop of perpetual exhaustion.

Last night I looked at my situation. I needed $200 to have my rent. Against my better judgment I went to the Gold Club. When I got in there were a few guys in the place, I got out there with the intention of making a measly couple of benjies. It looked like it was gonna be a long slow clawing to get the rest of my rent out of this club.

The last train leaves the region at 10:30 PM. At 11:30 I was fired from the gold club for having too much ass. I assumed it was gonna happen sooner or later. But it was really bad timing. I had made a little over $40 and I had no idea where I was gonna chill for the next six hours while I waited for the first AM train. I figured I would take my shit and sit in front of the club, make some sort of choice about my situation and get on with it. Just as I parked my big fat ass on the bench in front of the club a dozen or so cop cars rolled in. They pulled a drug dog out of one of them. The dog was going nuts. I decided I needed to get the hell out of there and went to the dunkin donuts and called a cab. While I waited it seemed like the club was getting raided. My cab came and whisked me away from what looked like a real bummer. I was never so glad to get shit-canned. They fired me at the exact moment that I needed to go. My big fat ass really came through. Going to jail would have been way too much for my system. It would have totally ruined my night and several days. The fact that I only made $40 and was told to not pop my booty in this town again — yeah whatever. I’m really glad I skipped out right before the raid. Thanks Booty.

The cab ride was $20. So was the one that I took to get to the club. I spent the whole night waiting for a train. It finally started to get cold. I was lucky enough to find an accessible power outlet and made myself a cup of tea. Yes, I have an electric tea kettle in my stripper gear. I like tea. I sat reading and stretching and drinking tea until the sun finally cam up and the train pulled into the station.

By the time I got home I was determined to go and work day shift at a club that I have been terrified to go to. I’m a pretty seasoned old bitch, titty bars don’t scare me. This one has been haunting me. I keep thinking the money will be better in what I have labeled ‘The Scariest Dive in the World.’ This place was in the news a few years back because they had minors working in the club. It is rumored to be the skankiest club in all the land. But it is also rumored to have money and no schedule and a show up and work policy.

I got to my flat and it was daytime. I took a shower, did some more yoga, ate some eggs, put on another coat of stripper paint, and forced myself to go to The Scariest Dive In The World — right in the middle of the day. My landlord is all up my ass for the rent and I’m still a tad shy. I went to the dive. I assumed I could just stroll in and work, but I called first, and they confirmed this. They told me to come in. When I got there a person who looked like a big square building told me that he would take my number and call me. I was kind of livid. It was full bright sunshine out there. They were gonna send me away, make me go back out into the light. FUCK.

I didn’t really know where to go, so I came home. I wasn’t prepared to try any upscale clubs. The few nasty dives that I could get to were at least an hour away in the opposite direction. I just came home and made a pot of tea. In a few hours I’m gonna call my landlord and explain my situation.

Unless I can find $200 in the next four hours via the internut.

Wanna be my captain save a ho?

Yes, yes you do. Email, call, text, whatever. Just come save this big fat broke ass from the hell that is my life. No one can save me but you captain!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: