I met a young man. He turned out to be really good in bed. After a few months he got jumpy and we stopped the hot steamy hump fest that had overrun our lives. After a little while we got back together and then we broke up. We have repeated this cycle for years now. Every time he can’t handle my love he breaks it off ‘for real this time’ and then we somehow fall back into each others arms and the love it just as real. But the on again off again relationship is killing me. I’m completely consumed by a man who does not deserve my love. When we are on it is heated and passionate and lusty and all consuming. When we are off I am broken hearted, I can’t think of anything but him, I am sad, I hope he will call me but I know he will not. He is at home dealing with his own grief over the break up. No matter if we are on or off it is for real this time. Really. For real. For Ever. This time.
I’m sure you can imagine how distressing being in a long term non-committed mostly monogamous relationship can be. I’m not sure I can even remember what it is like to love someone who I am certain loves me back. Moods change with the direction of the breeze and without warning the whole thing explodes and ends. Again.
And that is where I am right now. The beginning of another ending.
I need to resist the temptation to get drunk and kick his door in. Horney, sad, angry, confused, abandoned.
In 2015 I recall
Ringing in the new year alone. In my office. I was staying with him but assured him I had a place with some punk kids. I did not. All of my things were in my office. When he returned from christmas with friends and family (and a wedding) he lost his mind and before we broke up we had to roll around in bed for several days. Then he kicked me out.
His friends came through town and he told me I needed to avoid them. I was not invited to meet them. I was banished until friends left town. I came over the last night they were there through a misunderstanding and he lost his cool. He told me to go home. I had just left the big corporate office complex having said goodnight to the guards in an attempt to look like I was not living there. I could not go back there. It came out that I was homeless and crashing with him. He was angry. He invited me to snuggle.
As Mardi Gras grew closer we were getting along well. We were working on our costumes and having a sweet time together. Then without notice he got a little edgy and on Lundi Gras (the day before Mardi Gras day) he wanted to break up. It didn’t much matter that we had plans the next morning. He could no longer cope with me and it was over. I gave him a tab of LSD and we skipped in the rain. He felt all the love in the world. The next day he wanted to start a poly family with me. At this point I was pretty concerned that his elated mood was just a side effect of the drug. We talked and he wanted me to live with him. Me and my offspring who was on their way to New Orleans in a matter of days. He would find someone to have babies with and we could have a big happy family. When my offspring got here he packed up all my things and pushed them toward the door telling me to get out. This was the time I felt like he pulled my heart out of my chest. He was fucking with me and my child and toying with my emotions around having a family. My adult kid and I stayed in my office. March 17th I got drunk and acted like an asshole. My offspring went back to california and I went to the boys house. I was very very drunk. His father and uncle were visiting. I knew I was not welcome. His truck was unlocked so I climbed inside and passed out. When he got in to go to work he was angry. He screamed at me, drove around the corner and pushed me out of his slowly moving truck. I fell to the ground and he drove away. I sat there crying. My kid left. I was drunk and homeless. It was a shit show. A few days later he went on a road trip with his visiting family. I got evicted from my office and a friend of mine helped me move all my things into the boys house while he was out of town. I didn’t want to get locked out of my office so I had to take everything with me on a friday night. I put it all in storage before he returned from his road trip. He had no idea what chaos had happened at his house while he was gone. I magically had a place to live by the time he returned. I was most certainly banished from his life. For real. For ever. This time.
By June we were back at it. He banished me a couple times for a few days but nothing really break up worthy for a bit. When we fight, and we do that often, we casually throw around the idea of breaking up. Sometimes it sticks. Sometimes it is just empty words.
October his mother came to town and did not approve of me. Shocking I know.
November — he wants to write a novel. He is on a writing schedule. He should be writing but he is at a bar falling on love with a new girl. He calls me at three in the morning and tells me “I don’t want to be with you. I never wanted to be with you” and then passes out on my phone. I would have laughed if it wasn’t laced with really, for real. For ever. This time. I figured I would go to his house. And clear up the confusion. We were doing pretty well at that point. I show up at dawn. I go into his bedroom and he grabs my hand; squeezing it his fingernail cuts the delicate flesh on the top part. I pull it away and see droplets of blood. He takes the new girl home. He returns and wants to break up because of this girl. We don’t. He dates the new girl for a week or so and then I meet her. We all go dancing and spend thanksgiving together. Things are going pretty well again.
He invited me to Christmas in the mid west. I said yes. His mother objected. I was uninvited. He went alone and came home with his high school girlfriend. We all slept in the same bed. Until she went and slept in the other room. The whole things was very confusing. Even before she left I was asked to leave. I was told he needed a few days to reset. She left a week ago. It has been horrible since he returned from Christmas.
We got into a physical fight the other day because I took out a dildo and tried to get him to fuck me. He threw me across the room. He pulled my hair and screamed in my face. I slapped him repeatedly. I spat on him. We broke up.
I don’t feel heartbroken right now. I feel like I’m only now getting it. He wants someone who his mother will approve of. He wants someone who will have babies with him. He wants a life without me. I’m not sure why it had to come to violence for me to see that the guy does not love me. I feel like I wasted a lot of time. I’m confused about a lot of the details about my life. I feel like it has been hijacked by this very angry man. I am however crystal clear about one thing. This time the break up is real. Really. For real. For ever. This time.