Last night I was huddled up next to my only space heater, I thought about the inherent privilege in the idea of getting what you want. Dude was probably being nice when he said I hope you get everything you want in 2018 but I sat there thinking about what the word want implies, it implies privilege. Wants are somehow not needs. I shouldn’t have to want for food and shelter. These things should be basic human rights. They are needs, not wants. The dude who said this to me knows that my life is kinda shaky right now. I gather that he does not think about his word choice or that I really enjoy assuming the worst of him — either way wants are so far out of my grasp right now. People want for new cars and vacations, people want for that bistro to be open, they want when they are not totally and completely absorbed in their base needs. Currently I am cold. My landlord wants last months rent by the end of the week. Probably he wants this month rent too. He might actually need it. I don’t have it. Do I want my rent? Do I want to pay my rent? Yes, I do, but this is a basic need — I need a place to live, it is a human right — folks who struggle with housing deserve to have a place to live, some place stable to come home, so that they might have the luxury to relax enough to develop some creative wants.
I have been working with Buddhist ideology over the last couple years. One of the main tenants is to overcome desire. I’m not sure I have done it right, cause I will be very disappointed if I get evicted and have to move, but somehow when I try to conjure up the idea of what I want it rarely has to do with me. I want everyone to have a home. I want folks to learn to get along better. I want food for hungry people. I want the criminalization of sex workers to cease. I want people to have opportunities to thrive but when obstacles are forever getting in the way of that, how is an average person supposed to understand what thriving would look like? How is the average person supposed to be aware of the difference between human rights, basic needs, and wants? I want to want again. I want everyone to have the luxury to want. Creative passionate wants, the kinds of things that make our souls sing. I want humanity to thrive.
I don’t think the dude meant any harm in suggesting I get what I want, but I think he has enough available brain power to be able to understand that wants and needs are not the same. Sadly my basic needs are barely getting met these days. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the things I do have, but I feel like I am constantly spinning my wheels to get the most basic shit.
I have a client who likes to dress up in panties. He keeps saying that he will take me shopping, but he does not. He shows me his huge collection of panties that he wears for fun. All of my panties have holes in them. I’m trying to be excited about his frilly things but I no longer own any frilly things I can proudly prance around in. Panties with stains and holes and worn out elastic, boxers that belonged to an ex, a bra I found in a discount store in Spain that does not really fit. I should not have to want for panties. I remind my self that I am an amazingly sexy woman, that I have all the curves and all the brains and yet, I still don’t have any sexy panties.
I want to be happy with what I have. I want to not think of things in terms of what I don’t have. I’m starting to throw things away. I think I should sell the ripped up panties to a used panty fetishist, but they can’t sit by the door for more than a few days or I will just put them on again. I want to be happy with what I have, yet I want to have panties without holes in them. And should panties without holes be a want?
I have a lot of undone projects. I am doing the things I need to do to release these projects into the world. Maybe if I let my art free I will have enough space to develop an honest passionate personal want. The experience of attempting to overcome desire has left me in a state where I don’t actually want anything other than panties and a place to live. I feel like a shell of myself.