I wrote this last year. I’m working it into a show.
I miss my boyfriend. Ok, he really isn’t my boyfriend. He hasn’t been my boyfriend in a year or so, but we still skype every day. He still says he loves me. He says we will run away together and open a yoga retreat. But he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. He sends mixed messages, but he does that to everyone. He has told me he does not want to be my boyfriend. I think we are going to be on the same continent again soon. He ran away to become a celibate monk in Asia a year ago. We had been having the best sex of my life. I think it scared him. But that is a pretty extreme reaction. I still love him. I miss him. But he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.
I bet you would like to be my boyfriend. I bet that you would appreciate me showing you my ass on Skype every night. Maybe if we live on the same continent you might wanna come over and actually have sex. Sex, something I would like to have with my boyfriend. If we actually like each other maybe we could go on dates and stuff. You know, a picnic in the park, go see a show, dancing on Friday night. That would be swell. Hey if you want to be my boyfriend I would love to meet your friends. It would be cool if they liked me. I’ll totally remember their birthdays and come play stupid games with y’all on some random Tuesday nights. I’m actually a pretty normal person, except for the whole proud whore thing. That really fucks a lot of people up. But maybe your friends don’t judge people based on the job they have and like. Maybe your friends don’t suck. Maybe they won’t be scared of my ass or my big mouth. And hey, while we are at it, if things get serious, I would like to meet your family. Thanks for asking. If they are reasonable folks they might like me. Are they southern, I love your mommas food. I totally do. Your sisters are nice to me, or not. Your brothers don’t try to fuck me. I hope. But even if they really suck, if your family is a disaster, like most, you could take me home for Christmas with you. I’m Buddhist and don’t really celebrate Christmas, but if your family does, I would love to come. Is it cool if I make them gifts. I’m kinda down on consumerism in the name of love. If I have to sit through some strange family encounters cause you have a really big family I’m alright with that. My family is pretty small and mostly far away. I’m better at funerals than any other person you might ask to go, so if someone dies I’m the lady who can bring hankies for the bereaved and make jokes with the obligatory guests who are just hoping for some free food. I’m not sure how I am at weddings. I think I’m allergic to them. They give me hives.
Despite the fact that I’m allergic to weddings, I keep asking this dude who does not want to be my boyfriend if he will meet me in Vegas and get married, via fat Elvis. I have said it so many times at this point it is more of a joke than anything else. It’s not that I want to get married. I’m not sure I am that kind of girl. Married is a binding legal contract that I really don’t agree with entering into for something fleeting like love. But I keep asking if he will marry me more because when he says he loves me I kinda want him to promise to come home to me when he is done finding himself in Asia. Problem is I don’t think he is gonna find himself there if he didn’t know who he was here. And I don’t think he wants to come home to me. I used to bake him cookies and entertain his fantastically kinky needs, but he does not want to be my boyfriend. So why would he want to get married, promise to come home to me, let me bake him cookies like fucking Betty Crocker and sit on his face while I take to perverts on nite flirt? I know I’m a lot of woman. I get that I’m too much for most people. I have seen some of my lovers die. I have seen some of them transition genders. I have now run one of them into a life of religious celibate austerity on the other side of the globe. I don’t think I should be proud of myself. I mean I hope he is happy. I hope he finds god through denial of sex. I would have been happy to cuck him, but that isn’t the same thing. I would have been happy to do just about anything for that man, but he does not want to be my boyfriend. Maybe you do.
If you live near me, please have a big dick. It can be detachable. If it isn’t know how to keep it up all night. I am a demanding lover. I know I’m too much woman for most people and that I will probably break you. Maybe you want to be my boyfriend anyway.